How *Not* To Do Van Life

I’m sure you were able to figure this out the moment you read the title of my blog, but this is definitely not your typical van life forum. I don’t have any helpful tips/tricks, my van wasn’t designed by someone with the interior decorating budget of an entire house, and it took me an hour just to change my oil the other day. Somehow during that process I also ended up dumping about a quart of oil directly onto my face. Clearly I have no idea what I’m doing- in fact if anyone else has some constructive criticism I would happily listen. Emphasis on the word constructive. But one thing I am quickly learning is what not to do. So I decided that the least I can do is share my many fuck-ups, and if nothing else we can all get a good laugh at my expense. So here it is- van life must not do’s, by yours truly. 

Not to Do #1: Just because you are constantly super excited to meet other van life people, does not mean that everyone who is driving a camper in any capacity is equally as excited to meet you. Because of this, you should not keep staring at someone else in a van parked next to you while waiting for them to pop out and ask if you want to be best friends. Because they will absolutely not do that. In fact, most people out camping probably want to be left alone. And staring is creepy and rude, so doing this will probably have to opposite effect, making them think you are, in fact, creepy and rude. As the saying goes, hindsight is always 20/20.. so to the person living in a Dodge Promaster with their dog somewhere in central Oregon.. so sorry. My bad. 

Not to Do #2: Van windows are tinted, but that does not apply in the dark when the interior lights are on. So definitely do NOT wait until it’s dark, turn all the lights on and get naked to take a shower.. or for any other reason. Because if you are parked somewhere near people, like, say, a Walmart parking lot, you’re probably going to get noticed. And you’ll probably realize you’ve been spotted because you’ll hear something like “wooooh yeahhh she’s totally naked!!” And subsequently, you’ll probably find yourself laying on the van floor, still naked, trying to close the curtains with your toes while your head lies in a puddle of barbecue sauce you spilled at dinner. Probably. 

Not to Do #3: Do not use a hammer anywhere on the outside of your van before 7 am when you are parked next to old retired people in RV’s.. who are still sleeping. Because those old retired people will come outside and start making old retired people jokes, which are always meant to be funny but in reality are not very funny at all, and do a terrible job of masking their annoyance. And then you’ll get super uncomfortable and launch into a 5 minute explanation of why you are hammering- how all of your valves stick and if you didn’t hammer them at this exact moment there would be human waste leaking out everywhere, which would be a total disaster- without actually explaining why you are disconnecting all of your hoses before 7 am. 

Not to Do #4: The sink is not a shower. I am writing this one because 10 minutes ago I just washed my hair in my sink, I still have no idea why, since I have a totally operational shower, and I’m trying to do some self-reflection. But if anyone could offer some insight into this one that would be great. 

Not to Do #5: Living in a vehicle does not mean that you have to act like a college kid. More specifically, you do not have to eat like a college kid. I just did a quick inventory of my groceries, and I came up with this: a 6-pack of Michelob Ultra, a package of soft taco shells, 8 packets of flavored tuna, a jar of pickles, a package of pepperoni, and a giant box of children’s fruit gummies. And the scariest part is that my first reaction after accounting for everything was “Nice. Pepperoni tacos.” NO. no. I am more than capable of cooking a full, normal, healthy meal. I have a stove, pans, fuel, but something is missing.. oh that’s right, food for someone over the age of 18. Actually, remove the one- I currently do not have any food fit for someone older than 8. And why, you ask? Because somehow van life is vaguely reminiscent of my college days, and is slowly bringing me back there, so slowly in fact that I didn’t even realize it was happening until the phrase “pepperoni tacos” came out of my mouth. Needless to say a trip to the grocery store- and an actual shower- are in my very near future. But until then, it’s taco Sunday. 

I could easily go on, but in an attempt to avoid making myself sound completely insane and losing any readers (or more likely, reader) that I may somehow have, I’ll save a few stories for another time. But this post does have a point beyond making fun of my frequent misfortune. The point is that it’s possible to have no idea what you’re doing, and still do it. If you have a dream, or a goal, or just something you’ve always wanted to try but didn’t know how, just do it- yes, it will probably be a struggle, possibly a total disaster, you may end up flashing some people and showering using a kitchen appliance, but who wants to do things the conventional way anyway? Isn’t half the fun of achieving something the journey it takes to achieve it? I, for one, can’t wait to tell my grandchildren the story of my Walmart strip show. Completely kidding.. that one’s for the internet only. But really- the bad moments, the screw-ups, the detours from the acceptable path, the moments that make you laugh out loud because you are so happy no one else was there to witness them- those are the moments you’ll remember for the rest of your life. Because those moments arethe journey. Those moments are life. And if you can figure out how to laugh in the face of adversity and pepperoni taco dinners, laugh at yourself, then hopefully the journey it takes to achieve your goals won’t seem quite so daunting. 

I’ll finish this post with a quote my mom texted me the other day- because I am very cool, and also because no matter how old you are, your mom always comes up clutch in the advice department. 

“Everything you want is coming. Relax and let the universe pick up the timing and the way. You just need to trust that what you want is coming, and watch how fast it comes.” -Unknown

So thanks mom, sorry to everyone at the Park City Walmart, and with that, Sheila and I are off to keep screwing up.