Hoes Over Bros

Hey, hey from Port Angeles, Washington. So from the title you can probably already guess what this entry is going to be about- yes, my most recent attempt at dating did in fact blow up in my face. Please feel free to say “I told you so” at any point- I’ve been saying it to myself ever since. Sheila’s probably even saying it. It sounds like a Diesel engine that needs an oil change, but really she’s saying “Caroline you asshole, you knew better than that.” Damn, she’s so smart sometimes. 

But I want this entry to be more than just my most recent screw-up. I want it to actually have a point, a purpose. So before we get into the details of the past two weeks, I want to go even further back, to before I left home. Because this was the first time I noticed a major difference in myself- the way I prioritize dating had drastically changed. 

Alright. So full disclosure, I was talking to a guy for the last couple weeks before I left home. He was cute- very nice, extremely thoughtful, we had similar interests, etc. We’ll call him Carl. Now old, boring Caroline would have thought “wow- what awful timing. I might have just met the love of my life and now I’m leaving.” It might have even thrown some doubt into the whole experience, or at least dampened the excitement that I was feeling. What bad luck that just as I’m about to set off on the greatest adventure of my life, I meet someone who could possibly be date-able. Should I call the whole thing off and give it a shot?? Should I invite him to come with me?? Should I call the local news station?? Ok kidding, but you get the point- it would have been a little upsetting to me, and would have added a “bummer factor” to the beginning of my soul-searching, purpose-finding, mountain-hiking adventure. Wow, right? How sad is that, to let Carl have this effect on my new, independent life. But that’s the point- old, boring Caroline had different priorities. I’ll be brutally honest- up until recently, the only real passion I had felt came from relationships. They were exciting. They offered me the possibility of a new future, and at the same time the positive affirmation I felt from these men made up for my lack of self-confidence and self-identity. Who was Caroline? Well, she was Joe Shmoe’s girlfriend. And a damn good one. So why did she need to be anything else to make herself feel fulfilled? And this was the way I lived my life.. until recently that is. 

Now, does new Caroline let boys have ANY affect on her happiness?? That was meant to be a rhetorical question. But just for dramatic effect- HELL NO. No effing way. So in the moment I realized that I could potentially date Carl, I also realized something so much more significant- I didn’t care. For the first time in my life, my priorities had changed for the better. My independence and the experiences that I was going to have in the months ahead were so much more important to me now than anything some random guy had to offer. Because let’s be honest, it probably wasn’t anything more than a few weeks of boring dating followed by a period of ghosting by one of us, a lot of ice cream eating by me, and then the creation of a new dating app account (also by me) anyway. So like the mature, newly independent woman that I am, I told him to politely fuck off. Well not in so many words, but I did say this: “Carl, you’re a great person, but I am not in a place in my life where I’m interested in being accountable to someone else, and if you’re looking for anything reliable or stable or serious at all then I am not your girl.” And with one press of the ‘send’ button I was a new woman. So shoutout to Carl, because his loss was this girl’s gain. 

Fast-forward to two weeks ago. I’m in San Francisco, day-dreaming about Walmart parking lots, waiting to pick up another guy- we’ll call this one Jerry. Now, Carl and Jerry are very different in a lot of ways, but mostly in one- I’ve known Jerry for a long time. Years. And we’ve been really great friends for most of that time. And for the last few weeks, we’ve been bordering on more-than-friends. So I picked him up, and we headed to Lake Tahoe for Memorial Day weekend. We spent a couple of nights in the Tahoe area hiking and camping, then drove north to Bend, Oregon, spent two nights there camping and hiking, visited Crater Lake (I’ll try to put some photos in with this entry), and then drove north for our last night at Cle Elum lake in Washington State, where we camped at a dispersed campsite by the inlet to the lake, which was incredibly beautiful and very well maintained camping (this is my little plug for that campsite- it really is beautiful, and I can give more information if anyone cares). The next morning, we went on one more hike and then finished the drive at Jerry’s house. All-in-all it was a great trip. We get along well, we enjoy the same things, have the same sense of humor, and our years of friendship make being around him easy. So I decided to stay a little longer, with plans to go sailing, do a little much-needed maintenance on Sheila, and just spend some time together in the real world. But without getting too detailed, we ran into a little snag, and I decided it would be best for me to leave and give him some time to figure out what he wanted.

Now here’s where old, boring Caroline and the new, much cooler version differ again. Old, boring Caroline would have been upset. Crushed. After all the fun we had, how could there possibly be any issues? Old Caroline would have been mad at Jerry, and would have let him know it. 

But new, cool Caroline- much different. Because if life has taught me anything, it’s that no one is perfect- especially not me. So instead, our conversation went something like this: I told Jerry that if he was trying to make a decision, that spending every day together was not the way to make it. And that in reality, none of the options were a relationship with me, because my new life doesn’t have any room for relationships. So instead of considering anyone else’s feelings, he should take some time alone and decide what would really make him happy, and then follow his own heart, without worrying what other people want. And if what he wanted wasn’t me, then I wished him all the happiness in the world. Because I truly do. He’s a great person, and a great friend, and I can’t fault him for his honesty. But I also can’t sit around and wait for something that might potentially blow up in my face. Sheila and I have too much ground to cover, and too many adventures to have. So I said goodbye, and headed out to Olympic National Park in Port Angeles, which is where I am writing this. 

I would be lying if I said I didn’t stop and buy some non-dairy ice cream last night. I would also be lying if I said I didn’t eat the whole container while listening to some sad Taylor swift songs. But unnecessary ice cream consumption and minor wallowing aside, I woke up this morning feeling good. Feeling great, actually. Because I know I made the right decision. Life is too short to factor other people into our own happiness. If someone is truly going to make you happy, then you won’t have to sacrifice part of who you are or what you want, because they’ll want the same things, and they’ll love every part of who you are. So until that man comes riding in on his giant white horse (thank you Taylor), It’s still me and Sheila against the world. And I’m happier and more confident about my decision than ever. I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I can’t wait to find out. So with that, time to keep screwing up.

In honor of last night’s playlist: 

“Just be yourself, there is no one better.” -Taylor Swift